Golden Glasses
by Cheeseburger of Doom
Summary: Yes, unfortunately, this is a James Bond parody, starring Agent 00grunt on a mission to save the world from destruction! ...or something.


Author's Notes:

1.) I have never watched a James Bond movie, but this idea was too much fun to be resisted...so I enlisted everyone around me who has watched James Bond movies to help me bullcrap my way through the writing process.

2.) I found the Golden Eye lyrics at some random site and directly ripped them off to make my stupid theme song. I'm not claiming to own them...nor am I claiming to own James Bond, in any of his incarnations. Here is the link to the lyrics -- compare them with mine if you want, haha. http:www. lyricsdepot. com/ tina-turner / goldeneye. html

3.) I make fun of Tezuka entirely too often.

4.) I'm hungry.

Golden Glasses

__

See reflections on the water  
Just be sure that you don't fall in.  
See him surface and never a shadow,  
But I can smell his breath on the wind!

Golden Glasses, I found his weakness  
Golden Glasses, just pinch his ass...  
Golden Glasses, no time for sweetness  
But a bitter kiss will make him tell me to run laps...

You'll never know how I obsessed over you and stalked you as a child...

You'll never know how it feels to be ignored completely...

You'll never know how many tears I cried because of all those damn laps I had to run...

But now my time has come, and I'm going to get you back, mwahaha!

__

See him move through streams of fangirls,

Feel his looming presence which is almost frightening in its intensity, eep, scary...

Other girls, they crowd around him...

If I had him...we wouldn't have much of a relationship because he's a stick.

Golden Glasses, who refuses to wear lace or leather...damn it.

Golden Glasses, I want to chain him to -- er, nothing...

Golden Glasses, I'll show him forever!

Just what a great time he could have if he'd only loosen up!

You'll never know how I stalked you as a child...

You'll never know how it feels to be ignored completely when you try to ask for a date...not that you'd ever ask anyone for a date anyway...

I'm going to get you back though, mister, so watch out!

Revenge will be a kiss that you can't avoid!

I finally caught your eye, so listen to me, you lout!

Look at me with those Golden Glasses...

Golden, Golden Glasses...

Golden freaking glasses! oh yeah baby!

NO PARTICULAR TIME, NO PARTICULAR PLACE

"Who are you?" he asked.

"..." replied the man he was in bed with. That was all he ever seemed to say, but oh...it was exciting.

His pager beeped. "..." he said. "..."

"Do you really have to go?"

"..."

"I understand. Farewell, '...'."

"..." and then the mysterious man jumped out of the window.

"What the hell? Don't kill yourself --" he looked outside, and saw his mysterious bed partner with a pair of fake wings attached to his back, flying away. He certainly knew how to make an exit.

"Farewell," he said again. Then he went back to bed to catch some z's.

AUGUST 24, 11:54 PM, SECRET LOCATION

"Agent 00grunt, I have a new mission for you," said Ryuzaki-sensei (who preferred to be call "**R**". She said it was for security reasons, but everybody knew she just wanted to sound younger and cooler than she really was.)

"Yes." Agent 00grunt had been expecting as much, considering that he only got summoned here when he needed to go out on a new mission.

"An evil plot is afoot." Ryu-- **R** slammed her fist on the desk. "We have to stop these bastards before they destroy the world."

"Yes sir, but to which bastards are you referring?"

"Don't talk back to me, boy!"

"..."

"00grunt, your mission, should you choose to accept it, is --"

"**R**-sensei, that is from Mission Impossible."

"I thought I told you to shut up?"

"Yes sir."

"Now, as I was saying, there is a certain politician who has been causing some friction in the government in these past few weeks. He has been working underground to corrupt Japan, and he must be stopped!"

"Isn't that what all politicians do?"

"Well yes," **R** conceded, "But this one is especially bad, because he's been killing people. And stuff."

"So what do you want me to do?"

"Do I have to spell everything out for you in big red letters? You go in there, pretend to be a fellow politician, and do all that spy stuff that we pay you for!" **R** slammed her fist into the desk once again, and this time it split into two pieces. She pressed the intercom. "Miss Horio, get me another desk!"

"Yes, sir!" chirped the voice at the other end.

"Now, 00grunt. Here is a magical folder in which you will find all sorts of interesting information about this evil politician. I want you to get in there by tomorrow, and stop his evil plans by yesterday."

"..."

"Don't argue with me!" **R** exclaimed. "I miss the good old days where spies respected their elders and did as they were told. Now get out of my office. I want to put my feet up, my bunions are killing me."

"Yes, sir." Agent 00grunt exited **R**'s office, and nodded to her secretary, the lovely unibrowed Miss Horio.

"Oh, 00grunt," Miss Horio squawked, in a (failed) attempt to sound sexy and alluring, "I wish you luck on your latest mission."

"Thank you," 00grunt replied, oblivious to Miss Horio's attempts at flirtation -- either that or he was purposely ignoring it.

"**I** is waiting for you in the other room." Miss Horio batted his eyelashes. Agent 00grunt may have twitched, but since his face was carved from stone it was impossible to tell.

"Thank you," he said again, and he entered the adjoining room. Inside was a gigantic laboratory, filled with many scary-looking things, the scariest of which was the scientist that used the lab.

"Ah, 00grunt. I've been expecting you," **I** said, looking up from a beaker filled with a bubbling and frothing substance. "I've just been working on a sports drink."

"...indeed." Agent 00grunt took his usual seat, as far away from all of the experiments as possible. "What do you have for me this time?"

"Well, aside from the usual fifty gallons of juice -- a few very interesting specimens." **I** produced a briefcase seemingly out of nowhere, and set it in front of the agent. 00grunt reached inside, and the first thing he pulled out was a tennis racket.

"..." he said.

"Yes, it may look like a tool for leisure, but in fact it is a very dangerous weapon. The politician you are about to face enjoys playing tennis in his spare time, and if you get in his good books, you may well need to play tennis with him at some point. If you click here, here, and here, laser beams shoot out of the handle."

"...won't the handle be facing me?"

****

I paused for a moment. "That's your problem, not mine."

00grunt reached into the briefcase once more, and pulled out a car.

"Ah, this is your new vehicle. There are various booby traps, which are all listed in the owner's manual. My personal favorite is the sports drink dispenser." **I** indicated a big purple button right next to some high-tech surveillance equipment. 00grunt swore never to press that button, ever.

AUGUST 25, 12:49 PM, OFFICE BUILDING OF ATOBE KEIGO, WHO IS THE AFOREMENTIONED POLITICIAN

The man who had just presented himself at the door was suave and sophisticated, even though his facial expression reminded Fuji of a piece of wood.

"Can I help you?" Fuji asked, making sure that his smile was all dimples. It was his job to impress, and often seduce, anyone who walked through that door. It was a tough job, but he was the only one pretty enough to pull of wearing the high heels that were required to do it.

"I am here to see Mr. Atobe."

"He's busy at the moment. Would you like to make an appointment?" Fuji batted his eyelashes. The man's expression did not change, but Fuji could tell that he was affecting him just the same. He had a sense about these things.

"Ah, I think he is expecting me," the man said. His voice was flat -- but he was obviously interested when Fuji showed some leg. Oh yes, there was some sexual tension between them now!

"What is your name?"

"Tezuka. Kunimitsu Tezuka," the man replied.

"Ah, yes, here you are. The one o'clock. Why didn't you just say so?" Fuji asked sweetly. "Go right in, Mr. Atobe is expecting you."

"Thank you." Tezuka paused before he stepped through the door. "I didn't catch your name."

"That's because I didn't give it to you."

"True enough." He entered Mr. Atobe's office, and Fuji smiled after him. What an interesting man!

AUGUST 25, 1:02 PM, SAME PLACE AS PREVIOUS PARAGRAPH, EXCEPT NOW WE'RE IN A DIFFERENT ROOM

"Ah, yes, Kunimitsu Tezuka. I've been expecting you," Mr. Atobe said. He was seated at a very large and extravagant desk that was big enough to conceal most of his face for some reason, creating an aura of mystery about him.

"Mr. Atobe," Tezuka said, nodding his head.

"I'm glad that my recruits found you. Your records are...fascinating, at the very least. We could use a man like you."

"Mr. Atobe. We both know that I know the truth about your organization," Tezuka said. "I'm here to join the underground."

Mr. Atobe sat back in his chair, and laughed. "You don't waste time, do you? All right, Kunimitsu Tezuka, you're in."

"...it's that easy?"

"Why wouldn't it be?"

"Don't I have to prove my loyalty or something?"

"...well, I suppose that would be a good idea." Mr. Atobe pressed his intercom. "Miss Fuji, send in The Victim."

The Victim turned out to be a very young and innocent looking little boy, who was cowering and probably wetting himself.

"Kill the kid," Mr. Atobe commanded. "In this way alone can you show your loyalty to me."

Tezuka struggled with his morals, and tried to find a way to get around killing the child without revealing his true identity. He reached into his pocket, and pressed a magic button that had been installed there, that caused everyone in the room to be knocked unconscious. He sent the little boy home, and pulled a ready-made fake corpse (tm) out of his briefcase, and put it where the little boy had been. Everyone then woke up. Upon seeing the dead little boy, Mr. Atobe decided that Tezuka was just the man to hire, and everything was all set.

"Meet us here at eight o'clock tomorrow night," Mr. Atobe said. "We will enjoy light refreshments, and then we're going to begin our plan to take over the world."

Tezuka nodded. "Yes sir."

AUGUST 25, 1:49 PM, SAME PLACE YET AGAIN

After Tezuka had gone home, Mr. Atobe called his secretary into his office.

"Miss Fuji, I want you to keep an eye on Tezuka. I have my doubts about him. I've never really trusted men in glasses."

"Yes, Mr. Atobe." Fuji would be glad to keep an eye on someone as interesting as Kunimitsu Tezuka.

AUGUST 25, 7:38 PM, TEZUKA'S FAKE APARTMENT

Tezuka was enjoying a cup of sake when the doorbell rang. He answered it only to find Mr. Atobe's secretary (who still hadn't given his name) clad in a slinky red evening dress with matching handbag.

"Tezuka," he purred seductively. "I just couldn't get you out of my head, so I decided to come and see you."

"I have been thinking about you as well," Tezuka admitted. "Can you tell me your name now?"

"Of course. My name is Fuji Syusuke, and when are you going to invite me into your apartment?"

"Forgive me for being rude. Please come in right away."

"This is a nice place you have here. It's very...big," Fuji said, suggestively.

"Yes. It's very...big," Tezuka agreed.

"That's good."

"..."

"I think that's enough small talk. Let's have an affair now," Fuji suggested.

"Okay."

AUGUST 26, 2:07 AM, TEZUKA'S FAKE BEDROOM

Tezuka was not a smoker, so he did not have any cigarettes to offer Fuji, which was just as well because Fuji was not a smoker either.

"Oh, Tezuka, I just might fall for you," Fuji sighed.

"Hn," said Tezuka.

"Have you ever been in love before?" Fuji asked.

Tezuka thought of Miss Horio, and his constant attempts to get his attention. Then he wondered why the hell he had thought of _Miss Horio_, and he shuddered. "Hn," he replied, in a very forcefully negative manner.

"Tezuka...be careful around Mr. Atobe," Fuji warned. It was a dangerous thing to say, because if Mr. Atobe ever found out, he would have Fuji shot, or something equally as painful, like being forced to watch English dub anime for twenty-four hours straight.

"I'm never careless," Tezuka said.

"Don't ever let him think that you're not on his side, or he'll kill you. He never hesitates to kill those who get in his way." Fuji hoped desperately that Kunimitsu Tezuka was not a spy for the other side, because that would be just awful. It was his job to reveal that fact if it were true...

"I'm never careless," Tezuka repeated.

"Good." Fuji felt a small amount of relief, but suspicions were beginning to form in the back of his mind...

AUGUST 27, 8:45 PM, MR. ATOBE'S SECRET LAIR

"Are you enjoying the sake, Tezuka?"

"Hn," Tezuka replied.

"Excellent. There's nothing like a good drink of sake before we go out and kill somoene!" Mr. Atobe raised his glass in a toast.

"Hn," Tezuka said.

"All right, now here's the plan. We stick our men here, here, and here --" Atobe indicated a map of the city -- "And they blow stuff up. People get into a panic, and then I go out and make a speech about how if I become the leader of the universe, no one will ever blow up again. It's brilliant, isn't it?"

Tezuka nodded. "Brilliant." Inside, he wondered why he always got stuck with the major idiots. His three-year-old cousin could have come up with a better plan than that. In any case, Atobe had to be stopped, before his moronic plans killed more people.

"Where do you want me?" Tezuka asked.

Atobe covered his eyes, and placed his finger on the map. "Here," he said. He looked at where his finger had landed, and laughed. "Well, I guess you won't do much good for the cause in Africa, but that is where my glorious finger landed! Have a nice trip."

"..." Tezuka stood, and bowed. "Yes sir."

AUGUST 27, 10:42 PM, OUTSIDE OF AN OPERA HOUSE, ONE OF THE LOCATIONS THAT ARE SUPPOSED TO BE BLOWN UP BY MR. ATOBE'S MEN

Agent 00grunt was seated in his spiffy car, waiting for the men to arrive. When they did, he went after them. He rammed the car into their van (which was cleverly disguised as an ice cream truck) and activated the missiles. The van was blown into smithereens, but of course the explosion stayed far away from the opera house, and everyone was safe. In fact, no one noticed the giant explosion outside.

Tezuka drove off to another location to save more lives.

AUGUST 28, 3:09 AM, SOME HIGHWAY SOMEWHERE

Agent 00grunt's car was being chased by the enemy. They kept shooting at him with their puny guns, and he kept responding by firing his bazooka.

The enemy car rammed into Tezuka's, and spikes came out of their tires. Tezuka's tires were made of something that was spike-resistant however, so there was really no problem. He pressed the orange button, and an elephant jumped out of the trunk. It stomped on the enemy car, which was reduced to nothing.

Then another enemy car appeared out of nowhere, and the chase resumed.

Finally, they approached a bridge that was currently parting, to make way for a very large boat to pass by. Agent 00grunt floored the gas petal, and drove over it...and he didn't land safely on the other side, like he was supposed to, he landed in the water, and drifted downstream. The enemy turned around and went back the other way, laughing about how the idiot had killed himself.

Meanwhile, Tezuka was putting on his emergency scuba gear, and preparing to swim to safety.

AUGUST 28, 7:59 PM, MR. ATOBE'S SECRET LAIR

"So Tezuka, how was Africa?" Mr. Atobe asked.

"Warm," Tezuka replied.

"Ah, but how would you know that since you weren't in Africa?" Mr. Atobe snapped his fingers, and men surrounded Agent 00grunt. "I know that you're a spy, Tezuka. You didn't go to Africa last night, no. You were trying to save the people I was trying to kill! And you know the best part?" Atobe snapped his fingers again, and Miss Fuji appeared from the shadows. "He is the one who told me!"

Miss Fuji was not smiling as he usually did. "I'm sorry, Tezuka. I had to do it!"

Tezuka nodded. "I know."

"Guards, kill him."

"Wait!" Tezuka's voice was so commanding that the guards had no choice but to obey. Suddenly, the agent began glowing. They were in awe. Little did they know that he had pressed yet another special button, and he was radiating waves that caused the people around him to obey him...

Mr. Atobe was not taken in by those waves. "Damn it, I'll kill you myself!" He pulled a machine gun from the desk drawer, and set it off. Tezuka managed to dodge most of the bullets, but one caught his shoulder. He went down.

Miss Fuji knocked Mr. Atobe away from the machine gun, and onto the floor. He stepped on Mr. Atobe's throat with one of his pointy high heels.

"I should kill you myself," Miss Fuji said, disgustedly. "You've forced me to work for you for years, and I've had no choice but to go along with you! I hate you!"

"Miss Fuji, let the law handle this," Tezuka said, placing a hand on Miss Fuji's shoulder.

"Of course, Tezuka, you're right. I don't know what came over me." Miss Fuji smiled, and then they had an affair right in the office, after tying Atobe to the desk so he couldn't get away.

AUGUST 30, 4:35 PM, SECRET SPY HEADQUARTERS

"Excellent work, 00grunt," **Rsaid, slamming her fist into her new desk. "We need more agents like you around here."**

"Hn."

"You've earned a vacation. I've arranged for you to fly to Hawaii. Oh, and our newest spy will be joining you there, where you can brief him on our line of work."

"New spy?"

"Miss Horio, send in agent 00smile."

A very sexy man clad in a scandalous blue...thing entered the room. "Ah, Tezuka...how nice to see you again."

"Enjoy your trip, boys," **R **said, and she dismissed the two of them with a wave.

AUGUST 30, 4:47 PM, THE RECEPTION ROOM OF SECRET SPY HEADQUARTERS

"I thought it would be fun to join your side, and work with you," Fuji said seductively. "We can be together forever."

"..." Tezuka was not that kind of man. He was the kind of man who had many flings, made people fall in love with him, and then disappeared. He turned to Miss Horio for help with his explanation, but that proved to be a mistake, as Miss Horio was currently bawling his eyes out.

"Let's go, Tezuka. Hawaii is waiting. We will have so much fun on the beach, and in our beach house. I can give you massages every night, and we can listen to classical music, and write poetry, and eat wasabi sushi..."

Agent 00grunt grunted. "**R-**sensei! Please give me a new mission!" he cried. "I don't want a vacation! Nooo!"

__

...Golden Glasses, the mysterious stranger,

Golden Glasses, I'll catch him yet.

Golden Glasses, resourceful and quick...

Golden Glasses, the most statue-like man I've ever met...

THE END


End file.
